Since I've checked in...but that's ok. I've been keeping busy working and have been dating a new guy for about 3 months but it's been tough because his mother just died of colon cancer - which is the same thing my mom died from. Sad. Very sad. It pushed alot of buttons for me watching him go through what I did...

Current Mood: contemplative

It's 2009, it's been awhile since I posted here and I have a full day to do whatever I want! I do have to pack to leave for Virginia where I will work for the next week. My plane flies out tomorrow. Fortunately, Petey gets to be dog sat by a friend that thinks he's awesome. Last time he came back from her place, I had to get him on his treadmill to work off some of the little fat rolls he'd seemed to have behind his halter.

Tags: happy new year all!
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: calm

But it makes me laugh my ass off....

Current Mood: amused

A sweet elderly woman called the hospital and asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?

The operator said "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?'

The old woman, in a weak and tremulous voice, responded, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

"Let me place you on hold", replied the operator, "while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh,I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and Normal and her physician, Dr.Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.'

"Thank you!" said the caller. "I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."

"You're more than welcome," the operator replied warmly. "Is Norma your daughter?"

"No," said the elderly woman, "I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit."

Current Mood: amused

Euro-English

European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as re plasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Current Mood: amused

http://i183.photobucket.com/albums/x1/blue_sky_01/molerat.jpg

Remember, it could be worse.

Current Mood: amused

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

To which the astonished woman replies, I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."

So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation.


They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"


"There's no friggin’ problem, dammit!" the man says; "I just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"


"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?

Current Mood: amused

This is cool to watch. I loved water balloon fights as a kid.

Current Mood: amused

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

The speed of time is one-second per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Current Mood: amused

One liners

* Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
* A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
* A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
* My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
* Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
* A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
* I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
* I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the chop.
* A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
* Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
* Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
* Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
* Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
* Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
* A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
* A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour.
* Without geometry, life is pointless.
* When you dream in colour, it's a pigment of your imagination.
* Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
* When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
* Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures...

How do they circumcise whales?
They send down four skindivers.

"Doctor, Doctor. I feel like a pair of curtains!"
"Go home and pull yourself together."

Researchers have discovered that excessive masturbation can cause sudden attacks of dyslexia. Hwoever htis is olny ni extreem cas s off ovre doing it. K.O?

Current Mood: amused